If only we had time for diaries
by Chilimt
Summary: These are fictional excerpts from fictional diaries of Kitty and Thomas, characters from The Crimson Field created by wonderful Sarah Phelps. This short story is created out of love for the show and it's concentrated on Kitmas storyline. This is for those who miss The Crimson Field as I do. I chose the story of Kitty and Tom as it really warmed up my heart.
1. Chapter 1

**_First impressions_**

**Thomas Gillan**: Today for the first time we have seen VADs in our hospital 25A. Miles was very keen to meet them.

I was just eager to lay my hands on the new typewriter that was to be delivered at the same time.

Well, there are three VADs. Unlike Miles, I'm not interested.

They seemed nice enough; to be honest I did not pay much attention. All those high born ladies with their good intentions. I bet they are spoiled and will be shocked by the circumstances they will be forced to face. I have no patience for them.

One of them may be considered as pretty but haughty like all those of her class. She even refused my hand. I just wanted to help her with getting out of the van. Sure, why accept the hand from a working class boy?!

On second thought, she may not have known I'm working class. Well, it doesn't change a thing. I'm not interested anyway.

**Katherine Trevelyan**: New beginning. At least I hope it is. I am trying very hard not to burst into tears when I think what a mess I have made of my life. I would never have thought that I will be so unable to take the control of my own life. As I see it, I'm not going to have friends here either. One of the 'girls' is pleasant but very young and extremely chatty. The other is surely to get on my nerves sooner or later with all her propriety and earnestness. I despise those types, although it may not be my place to judge others anymore.

When I think about it, I have chosen a strange path for someone who vowed to themselves to avoid men at any cost. I even shrunk from holding a hand of this young captain when all he tried to do is to help me. However, of one thing I am sure, I don't need any help from anyone. What I might need is mercy.

**Thomas**: I lied to Miles. I'm not proud of it.

He kept on asking about VADs. I said I didn't notice. Even the very pretty one.

Oh, well, he'll meet them himself soon enough I suppose.

**Kitty**: I don't know what to think about this first day. I was dismissed and reinstated, well, almost to both. I found myself on probation. I have managed to be cruel, to fight with the Matron, to watch man's death and, let's not forget, to be threatened with death myself. I must get myself in the grip and I must not show emotions anymore. I really need to detach myself from everything that surrounds me.

**Thomas**: Miles got what he deserved. He tried to woo the pretty one, I mean the haughty one. She was very sharp with him.

Serves him right, I suppose, for calling himself dashing.

**Kitty**: I believe I can be a little proud of myself as I have just successfully rejected a very clumsy attempt at flirting from one of the doctors, really obnoxious type. The other doctor behaved with more grace. It was the one I met this morning. When I think about it now, I slightly regret my behaviour towards him. At least he doesn't seem to be like his friend and I like his honest face.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Second glances_**

**Thomas**: Awful morning. I really had no idea where this haemorrhage came from or how to stop it. I hate losing patients when I'm helpless.

I'm more angry at myself though for my behaviour towards Miss Trevelyan. I don't know why I had to scream at her.

Well, she caught me at the wrong time. I was frustrated and she took the brunt of it.

For all her haughtiness from before, I find her reasonable and quiet. And she was right, I shouldn't venture to the ward in my bloodied apron.

I am ashamed. I was very rude to her. Quite unnecessary.

In her case at least.

**Kitty**: Apparently having a nice face might be deceiving, as I have found out this morning. As I went to get Captain Gillan, because one of his patients woke up, I stepped into the operating theatre. I know we are not allowed there but how else I was supposed to fetch him. When I came in, he was covering the face of the patient and he looked broken. Suddenly he turned and practically shouted me off. We were told that the surgeons were working under the enormous stress, so I tried not to take notice of his behaviour. Even when he almost tore off his apron and kicked it aside. All I did was suggesting for him to take off his apron as it was covered in blood and he was going to the ward. His behaviour reminded me rather of the spoilt child than respected surgeon.

**Thomas**: This Trevelyan is insupportable.

I took extreme pains to find her and apologise to her. She didn't even listen to me.

I even explained my behaviour in detail which I was under no obligation to do. Even then she was in a hurry to leave me.

Unbelievable!

I said as much to her that she should be more graceful in accepting the apologies.

And she had the cheek to say that I didn't actually apologise. I was so irritated that I was speechless.

Some upper class haughty lass trying to teach me manners!

I might not have said the actual words of apology. But she must have gotten my meaning for sure.

I don't know why I am so angry.

And then the bloody Miles compared her to Jane, with him being Tarzan. Plain ridiculous!

**Kitty**: Now there is someone who knows at least a part of my history and I feel surprisingly calmer. The Matron read my letters and tried to understand my position, which I appreciate as she also ended my probationary period, but she also made me realise that my situation may not change for the better. This sudden realisation made me weak and weepy as I left her office.

And on top of that I was accosted by Captain Gillan who chose this moment to explain his behaviour from this morning. I was in no state for any discussion, yet he stepped into my way and almost forced me to listen to his explanations. I appreciate it but I just could not stand there and listen to his voice as my thoughts wandered to Sylvie. He was quite insistent and calm at the beginning but then suddenly shouted at me again. What is wrong with this man? I can see and understand that he is full of good intentions and he is an excellent surgeon as everyone says but he gets irritated so quickly for no apparent reason. I suspect he tries to hide his natural softness with this brash exterior. However, I had no mind to get into any quarrel with this strange man.

**Thomas**: I was truly knackered after the night convoy work.

I don't know what made me go to the beach. I don't regret it though.

When I found discarded clothes I was really alarmed. I didn't see anyone.

Until I heard her squeals. Happy squeals. She had barely any clothes on. She was jumping at waves with pure joy.

It took my breath away.

I thought her stiff and reserved. Yet there she was, happy and wild. She is the goddess.

And she was a vision. I never saw anything so beautiful. I think I stared at her with my mouth open.

I should have averted my gaze but I couldn't. Just couldn't. She turned and walked slowly towards me. Unashamed, certain of her allure.

She never said a word when she had taken her clothes from me. I was speechless anyway. All I could do was staring at her beauty.

As if she knew I was still staring, she half turned her head and smirked I think. I just stared after her.

**Kitty**: I was so happy when the post came in the early morning after the convoy night. Within seconds my happiness was gone as I read my mother's letter. She actually wrote that I was dead to her. At that moment I felt that my former life was gone for good. And the Matron was right, work saves us. I decided then and there that I need a fresh start for a new chapter of my life. I went to the beach and as I wanted to leave my old life behind me, I tore my mother's letter to pieces, took off my dress and went to the sea. Water was cold but I needed my catharsis. And soon a sheer joy of jumping freely at waves overtook me. I was truly happy then. Suddenly I felt someone's gaze, like you do sometimes, and I turned to see Captain Gillan. He was standing there with my dress in his hand, mouth wide open and his very blue eyes piercing me to the core. I am quite sure that I shocked him; this impenetrable rock of a man shattered at the sight of a bathing woman. That put me into even better mood as I walked to him slowly. He tried very hard not to look at me but clearly he was unable to stop himself from staring. Not quite gentlemanlike but then I wasn't behaving quite ladylike. He handed me my dress without a word and I walked slowly away. I was very certain that he was still staring and I was proven right when I turned my head.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Nearly three o'clock_**

**Thomas**: I am invaded by the thoughts of Miss Trevelyan.

They're constant and prevailing. I racked my brain and all those small moments when I stole glances of her came back with vengeance. She was always there from the moment she came to the hospital. I was deceiving myself.

It's unbearable. I can't concentrate on my writing.

My brain is only occupied when I'm in the wards or the theatre. Otherwise it is just her.

Some lanky, posh lass. Yet so beautiful. So utterly, utterly perfect.

Even today in the morning. I forced myself to write. Soon I was gone. I closed my eyes and I relived this blessed moment at the beach.

This bastard Yelland woke me up from my reverie. If it is possible, I hate him even more for that. Walking waste of skin.

**Kitty**: This morning I saw the infamous Captain Gillan in the distance. His face was like thunder and I felt sorry for anyone that was about to face him. I have to say that no one mentioned my almost illegal bathing. Captain Gillan, usually so outspoken, apparently kept his silence of which I'm most appreciative. I can't help but wonder however, why didn't he report me?

**Thomas**: As if thoughts weren't enough, she seems to be everywhere I go.

I was trying to concentrate on the task. As I was checking the stores in the storage hut, in she walks.

She was dragging some trolley and I should have helped her. But I promised myself that I would try to stay away from her.

It's childish. I feel very nervous around her. Almost embarrassed.

And it is her that should be embarrassed. Parading almost naked in front of a strange man.

Then she spoke directly to me. She said that she appreciated my discretion about the beach incident. And she's still not ashamed!

I couldn't turn to face her. I know it was rude. I just couldn't face her.

I am embarrassed. The image of her on the beach; her wet clothes clinging to her supple body, keeps popping up whenever I look at her.

In the end as I didn't know what to say, I said quickly that what she does is of no concern to me.

I left the hut very quickly. Cowardly.

**Kitty**: This Captain Gillan is truly an impossible man. I met him by accident in the storage hut. He could hardly meet my gaze. Therefore I was forced to talk to his back, when I thanked him for his silence. It was a pity that I couldn't see his enchantingly blue eyes. I find them quite hypnotising I have to admit. In the end when he finally turned to face me, he left me with this astonishing statement that what I do is of no concern to him. Is he suddenly shy? Impossible man.

**Thomas**: Mostyn, my patient asked me to talk to him. He complains of the pain that I put him through.

Well, Carrel-Dakin procedure isn't pleasant. But I feel like a torturer.

And obviously she was there.

I had to raise my voice. I was angry.

But as soon as I saw those eyes staring at me I had to stop myself. Beautiful, dark eyes.

Mostyn called me stone-hearted bastard. Maybe I am.

**Kitty**: He is very passionate about his work. I can clearly see that but his bed manner needs to improve. It is a huge understatement as he raised his voice again in the ward. As one of the nurses explained to me, this procedure that this soldier is undergoing is very painful but it is supposed to help him recover to full health. It would help if it was explained to the patient. When I caught his eye he stopped shouting. The patient called him stone-hearted b-d. I think I am quite sure that it is not the case. His face when he is not angry is an honest face of a good man. I must stop thinking about Captain Gillan. This is not what I came here for.

**Thomas**: Colonel Brett reprimanded me for the incident with Yelland. But reassured me with my Carrel-Dakin system procedure. I have decided to talk to Mostyn again.

It was nearly three o'clock as I came to the ward. I did not expected to see her there. The sisters I could bear but not her.

I wanted her gone. But she is stubborn. Respectful yet defiant. I have to admire it.

I don't know why I have to be so agitated around her.

I finally gave up. I went to Mostyn. I quietly explained my purpose. I didn't want anyone else to hear me. But I'm sure she did.

And then the other patient had his delusional fit. She was very good with him. Very good. Much more sensible than the sisters.

She comforted the patient and actually smiled at him. I was almost jealous.

When she smiled her whole face just lit up. She was even more beautiful. If it is even possible.

And again I just stared. It becomes a habit of mine around her, it seems.

I was captivated. Her warm voice, her beautiful smile, her good sense.

She is a perfection.

And then she turned and explained to me what she was doing. It was impressive. And wise.

I should have left the ward by then. But I just wanted to be close to her. If only for a moment.

I think she caught me staring at her. Again. I'm really hopeless.

She quoted me! She quoted my idiotic sentence when I said that what she did was of no concern to me.

I knew it would backfire. I think she knows I was lying.

But she half smiled at me. And gave me quite a flirtatious glance.

It reminded me of the beach scene. I was quite ecstatic and let down my guard.

She apologised for alarming me. It was a bit sarcastic. But I blurted out something without thinking.

I said that I had been alarmed since the moment she arrived.

I only realised what I had just said when she looked up at me suddenly.

I think I must have lost my mind. And my self-control.

But she got my meaning instantly. And she gave me such an intense look that my knees wavered.

I was petrified. I hoped against the hope that she won't be angry with me.

She didn't say a word. She just looked at me. The longer it took I felt that I might have hope.

Christ, she is perfect in every way.

We were interrupted by the nurse coming back to the hut. But I left with sunshine in my heart.

I need to talk to her. I have to.

And soon.

**Kitty**: I was looking after this delusional patient that constantly scratches the wounds on his head, when he came into the ward. Funny, I had a distinct feeling that he wanted to be got rid of me. He looked very uncomfortable, he didn't know what to do. He was very truculent but I stood my ground. It felt like dealing with a naughty child and I strangely enjoyed it. And then, resigned to the fact that I would stay at my post, he moved towards his patient and quietly explained to him that he was aware of the pain but that he was determined to try to save soldier's leg. He was very gentle and it just showed how deeply he cares for the well-being of his patients. I was very moved. I saw the side of his that he tried to hide so successfully. I was mesmerised by the scene and I could not take my eyes off him. He is quite wonderful.

And then my patient started to stir and I went to him quickly to reassure him in the way I conceived. And it seemed to be working, he slowly calmed himself down and I must admit I was very proud of myself. When I turned I caught Captain Gillan staring at me in admiration. He tried to feign that he didn't but it was very sweet. As I explained to him in detail what I was doing, he pretended not to be interested but he listened. And I teased him a bit by reminding him of what he said to me in the storage hut. He mentioned the beach incident and he was smiling. I think it was the first time I saw him smiling naturally. And I knew that I must have made quite an impression on him then. I saw his defences crumbled to dust. I tried to stay aloof however and I apologised for alarming him.

His reply almost knocked me off my feet. Did he really say what he said? Was it all a pretence that he didn't care for me? I tried to read my answers in his face, his honest, earnest face. As I looked into his mesmerizingly blue eyes, I felt the wave inside me that I have never felt before, I think. My stomach was tied in the knot and I was quite at a loss for words, which is quite unusual for me. I don't know what I would have said and therefore I feel I was saved by the entrance of the sister to the ward. I still feel as if I was drunk even now.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Over four hours_**

**Thomas**: Nothing better than to start a day with a funeral! Whoever thought of early morning burial service must be out of their minds.

It made me think though. I have no time to lose. Life is too short. And too precious.

I manoeuvred myself to be behind her in the queue for breakfast.

I was so nervous. But I took a deep breath and asked her if she had a free time this afternoon.

She was playful. She suggested she would be tidying up the tent or doing some darning.

I was so terrified that I didn't notice she was joking.

When I asked her if she'd meet me, I could hardly say the words. And her pause in replying made my heart sink.

I tried to guess the answer from her face but it was unreadable. I was also careful no one noticed anything.

When she finally whispered 'yes', I could hardly contain myself.

But then she asked me where we should meet. And I realised what a fool I've been. Not having planned further than the question.

So I proposed the woods. And she agreed. I even got a quick glance and a smile from her.

I am a happy man now.

**Kitty**: He followed me from the cemetery like a stray dog. He was always two steps behind instead of simply walking with me. I thought it a very strange behaviour as I was actually expecting him to talk to me. It would not be improper so I didn't know what to think. And suddenly as if he made up his mind he whispered to me in the queue to breakfast. It was much more uncomfortable as anyone could overhear us. He was fidgety as a nervous child when he asked me if I would meet him in the woods. I have to admit that I almost expected him to propose something like that, especially after his almost declaration in the ward, but still I was uneasy if I should do it. But the part of me wanted it so much that I promptly agreed. I have butterflies in my stomach like a little girl. He has dimples in his cheeks when he smiles, which I find adorable. Oh Kitty, you're in trouble.

**Thomas**: The idiot that I am, I forgot that I had a pass for this afternoon. Luckily I had a solution in front of me.

Miles was extremely happy to get this pass. I knew that he would spend it well. I was just worried that he would catch the pox. Again.

Although maybe not this time.

Something must have happened and she did not come. Or rather maybe she changed her mind.

No wonder. I am just some working class lad who worked his way up. She is almost a lady.

Have I aimed too high?

I have waited for over an hour.

And when I came back I found she left for the town. With Miles of all people. They are much better suited. Hesketh-Thorne and Trevelyan even sounds better.

At least she could tell me that to my face.

I knew that the day started with the funeral would not end well.

**Kitty**: I don't even know if I can write about it. It was a horrible afternoon. I got to meet Elliot. No, I just can't write about it. I have to try and find some good things that resulted from it. I will be a divorced woman. That is not the good thing I was after but at least my situation will be clear even on the pain of being shunned from the good society. At least I know that I will not miss it. But my situation with Sylvie has become even more difficult that it was before. I don't know if Elliot ever allows me to see her again. I..

No, I can't think like that and I was meant to concentrate on good things. This horrible, horrible afternoon at least allowed me to see the good side of Captain Hesketh-Thorne, or Miles as I promised to call him. He is a decent fellow and I'm in debt to him.

There is however one problem I will have to face very soon. It all happened so quickly, the pass, the ride to the town, that I completely forgot that I promised to meet Tom [I learned his first name from babbling Miles]. I feel very bad about it and I hope he will forgive me. But I can't stop thinking that it may be for the best. He knows nothing about me and now I'm a fallen woman as Rosalie would call me. Or spoiled goods as I'm sure Sister Quayle would put it. Tom deserves better. He is sweet, honest and wonderful really. Even if he gets irritated very quickly. I wish I was free to do what I want but my position is too much of a burden to put on his shoulders.

**Thomas**: They were away for over four hours. Miles was strangely subdued but quietly happy. I know him too well. Something happened.

And he calls her Kitty now.

I needed to clear the situation and I went to look for her. I found her at this birthday party for Sister Quayle. She looked at me with guilty look I thought.

I followed her out of the tent. She found a quiet spot by the stables.

In fairness she tried to explain. She could not turn down the pass.

Well, I could. But then I may feel more than her.

My hopes revived for a moment but she stopped me. She said that it was better that we wouldn't see each other.

She said that she didn't want to be sent home. But it may be something else.

As I heard the click of the lighter I knew that someone was there. I grabbed her arms and we hid behind the boxes.

It was only the quartermaster up to his thieving tricks again. Soon he was gone.

I was so close to her that all I could do is stare at her lovely face. Her eyes sparkled in the dim light. She looked so beautiful.

I really thought that she wanted me to kiss her.

But again she stopped me. I understood.

**Kitty**: This day couldn't get any worse. I finally met Tom by the stables. I was trying to explain why I hadn't shown up for the meeting and he wasn't angry with me. He is such a sweet man really. Although I thought that he was a little jealous of Miles and I had to reassure him gently that nothing had happened between Miles and myself. But I also had to tell him that I wouldn't be meeting him again as I simply cannot be sent home. He was confused but he had no time to react as someone came to the stables and we crouched behind the boxes. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my cheeks. I was never that near to him and so I used the circumstances to commit his face to my memory. It was almost like saying goodbye to him as I know that we will never meet like this again. I don't want to lose him and I really hope we can at least remain friends. I was completely lost into his eyes, he gave me very intense stare, full of affection I thought. As soon as we were alone again he tried to kiss me. And as much as it pains me now when I think about it, I had to stop him. I said that I came here to work and not to be entangled. He was hurt. I saw it clearly when he left me with a quiet 'understood' as a parting shot. I know it is only for the good but the ache is there.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Five fingers_**

**Thomas**: I knew there was something between them. I just found Miles with her in the linen shed.

She toyed with me and got bored. Or get scared when it got too close.

Now is the time for the next toy. And obligingly Miles is there.

I really tried to avoid her as much as I could.

I could see her looking at me at times. But I'm determined not to give her pleasure of seeing my pain.

And the pain is there. Still.

I catch myself sometimes staring at her as she moves gracefully through the wards. I can't help it. But I make sure that no one sees it. Especially her.

**Kitty**: Tom is clearly avoiding me. I understand that he hasn't forgiven me. However I thought that in time our relations would be more normal. I was really counting on it and vain as I am I miss his admiring looks. I was hoping he understood my position and obviously I was wrong. I tried today talking to him and I failed. I was folding linen with Miles as an amusing company and we were discussing the upcoming 'do' organised by Flora, when Tom walked in in search of Miles. I tried to engage him into the conversation by asking him if he was musical. His short and curt 'no' informed me of my failure. Miles apologised for him and he said, quite aptly I thought, that Tom was one of the best but the word 'abrupt' was coined for him. For all his 'abruptness' I feel I simply must talk to him. I'm a little afraid that I feel more for this elusive, stubborn Scot that I can allow myself to.

**Thomas**: Why can't she leave me alone? I would have thought it is quite clear what our situation is. I'm so bloody angry with her. And myself.

She made me behave in the way I shouldn't have. She made me feel more than I should.

She came to the operating theatre with some towels or such. And then almost attacked me for avoiding her. She stood very close and stared defiantly at me.

And she called me 'Tom'. My heart jumped at first at hearing her say my name. But then I thought that this instant familiarity suggested she does not really care for me. That she toys with me.

I could see her staring at me in the corner of my eye. Haughty as ever.

She must have recovered much quicker than I did. Or she had nothing to recover from.

I addressed her as 'Miss Trevelyan' as I wanted to convey the message that I am not one of her toys.

I explained to her that I was avoiding her for a reason. And she wanted us to be civil to each other.

What is the bloody point?

I finally told her straight what I thought. That I won't be another of her conquests.

And then she slapped me. Very hard I have to admit. I could see the marks of her five fingers on my cheek sometime after she left. It seems I can feel them still.

This slap released my anger. And my desire.

I grabbed her hips and pulled her into me. I wanted to kiss her then very badly.

But then I looked at her face properly. She froze. She didn't fight me. Her face betrayed one raw emotion – fear.

I suddenly felt very ashamed and I let her go. I couldn't face her after that.

Unbelievably she stayed there for a while. Like she was waiting for something from me.

When she finally left, I realised I should have apologised. Or say something.

I am very frustrated with myself. And seeing her beautiful, darling face frozen with fear of me just broke my heart.

Can't she see that I…

**Kitty**: I had finally managed to get Tom alone as he was sterilising the instruments in the operating theatre. I had decided not to waste time and I went up straight to him as soon as we were alone. He didn't turn and I purposefully stood very close to him to have a proper look at his face. I admit I have missed that face. I asked him if we were going to avoid each other. He replied, emphasizing 'Miss Trevelyan', that this is what he prefered and then turned in my direction but still refused to look at me. Instead he said quietly that I was in his way and stubbornly looked the other way. To be quite honest I am sure that he could reach the instrument quite easily and it was his somewhat childish way to push me away. I could see that my closeness made him uncomfortable. I took my time and blatantly stared at him. I dared him to do or say something more, or at least look at me. He denied me this pleasure so I had to step away. I asked him then if we at least could be civil to each other. And that finally made him look at me and I looked deeply into those beautiful eyes of his. However what he replied made my heart heavy. He said that he avoided me for a reason and that he didn't understand what I wanted from him. I admit I didn't know what I should have said then. I don't know what exactly I expect from him. But then he continued and said that I wanted him to come running when I clicked my fingers, he implied that I was having fun. I thought it very unfair and I interposed at that. And then he said those horrible things inferring that I collect men for fun and that he would not be one of them. I lost my nerve at this and I slapped him across his face. He moaned with surprised pain as I hit him very hard, my hand hurt for ages afterwards. Now he was very angry and he grabbed me and pulled me to him very closely. I was so surprised that I froze. But then it reminded me of the abuse I had to suffer from Elliot and I suddenly felt scared. I could not think straight at that moment, I couldn't move. It is bizarre when I think about it but I was sure that he would kiss me then. I even looked at his lips as I expected it with such certainty. However he released me and looked ashamed as far as I could see. I know that I should have left immediately at this point but I couldn't, just couldn't. I wanted him to say something. I don't know what I wanted to be honest.

Only when I went outside and the cold air refreshed me I could collect my thoughts. There was a whirlwind of emotions inside me; I tried to ascertain what I was feeling exactly. When he grabbed me I was frightened at first but then there came this feeling that it wasn't Tom who scared me but my bad memories and inexplicably I felt safe in his arms, safe close to him. Now I wish he kissed me. I'm in such a turmoil but I have to compose myself quickly as there is this song that us three VADs are supposed to sing. I hope he comes to watch.

**Thomas**: I feel bad. Ashamed.

I don't know what came over me.

After the incident in the operating theatre I went out to look for her but I couldn't find her anywhere.

Then I remembered – the 'do'. When I entered the church tent I scanned the audience and she wasn't there either.

Then I looked up.

An there she was. Singing with other VADs. She looked stunningly beautiful.

And as much as I promised myself not to look at her, I couldn't avert my eyes.

She met my gaze. I thought that she would be angry with me. But she wasn't. She looked straight into my eyes. I was hypnotised.

The smile kept hovering over her beautiful lips. Her kissable lips. And she looked at me while singing this sentimental song.

Maybe she forgave me. I don't know. I am still ashamed of myself.

But maybe all those smiles were the sign that she won me over again. Maybe I was a very easy conquest.

How have I let myself fall for her so quickly? I hardly know her.

And yet I feel I do. She can't be as bad as imagine.

I'm a mess.

**Kitty**: Tom came to the concert. I was late for the performance as I talked to Joan. I worry about her. I don't know if I should let her go to get this letter. As her fiancé is German, it is very dangerous. I only hope everything will end well.

When I stood at the scene next to Flora my eyes went looking for Tom and I was very disappointed that he wasn't there. I'm not the best of singers but I really wanted him there. We were singing 'There's a long, long trail a-winding' and we were rather good together, even if I say so myself. And suddenly I saw him, he had just came in. I saw him fighting with himself but then he gave up and looked up. From this moment on his eyes didn't leave me, so I kept staring at him unashamedly. I don't know why but it made me so happy. I think I even detected a slight smile. I could just look at him without the fear of anyone suspecting anything as it looked as if I was just gazing forward. And him looking at me was also natural as I was the one on the scene. Maybe there is hope for us. Maybe he can be my friend as Miles is these days. Not that I want Tom to be just my friend but there is only this that I could offer in my current situation. He looked so handsome tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Six pros, six cons_**

**Thomas**: I am beside myself with anger. What was Kitty thinking? How could she let Sister Livesey go to that man?

What if she tells Military Intelligence about it? Kitty will be in so much trouble. I don't think I can bear it.

I don't know if I am more angry or worried. I don't know if I can watch the woman I love go to her destruction. Yes, I admit it. She means more to me that I could admit before.

Her being in danger now terrifies me.

When she asked me this morning about Sister Livesey, I thought it was just purely out of compassion. Well, maybe it was anyway.

But then she got angry when I said that I didn't care what would happen to Sister Livesey.

I tried to explain to her that this was war. And different standards apply.

Then she said the words that sent shivers down my spine. She knew. She knew why Sister Livesey went there.

Maybe I should not have raised my voice.

Kitty asked me very gently why I am so angry. My heart melted for a second.

But I had to make her realise that the sentimentality does not take precedence over raw facts. Colonel Brett's position as director of the hospital is endangered as well.

I don't think she realised that.

She drives me mad.

**Kitty**: I have no one to talk to about Joan's situation. I have tried Flora and Rosalie but they just annoyed me. And this morning I also caught Tom and tried to talk to him but he was in his angry mood. At first I didn't know why but he explained that Colonel Brett was put in a very difficult position and out of loyalty to him, I suppose, Tom was indifferent to Joan's troubles. But there was the other thing that got me worried even more. I let it slip to Tom that I knew that Joan thought that she was just getting a letter. Oh, how angry it made him. I think he was the most angriest at me I ever saw. I don't know what to do.

**Thomas**: I just can't believe it. Kitty must think me a monster.

I was asked to bring Military Intelligence to the interrogation hut when they arrived. As I was standing with them chatting I saw Kitty.

She was staring at our little group with an absolute terror on her face. At first I thought she was afraid for Sister Livesey's sake.

But when we passed her I clearly saw that she thought I was bringing them to her.

How could she even think that for a moment?

I don't know what Livesey said. But she didn't mention Kitty's involvement. Otherwise she would not be just walking about freely.

Did she think I said anything? How could she?

I saw how frightened she looked when she found out about the execution of Edith Cavell. My heart was breaking for her.

And she thought I would report on her?!

**Kitty**: I have got such a fright just now. As I was going to the storage hut I saw Tom with two officers that were unknown to me. I guessed that they were from Military Intelligence as we were expecting their arrival. As I was passing them Tom looked at me and kept talking to them. His face was like thunder. And then those two officers followed Tom's gaze and looked at me. I stopped as I froze with terror. Then they started to walk towards me with Tom at the lead. When they walked past me I felt relieved. There are so many thoughts. The events made me feel on edge. I need to find a quiet place to compose myself.

**Thomas**: I finally found her in the linen shed. She looked very subdued and fragile.

I asked her straight out if she thought I was bringing the Military Intelligence to her. I lost it for a moment when she confirmed.

She hadn't reply when I asked her why she thought that. How could she even think I could hurt her?

Maybe it was because of my behaviour in the operation theatre. I shouldn't have done it. I am such an arse.

But then she started to explain why she doesn't want to be sent home.

She has a daughter!

I can't say I wasn't shocked. I was. But suddenly it made it all so clear.

I felt stupid for a while. I suspected her of all kind of schemes. And the answer is quite simple.

I still don't know all the details though. But it is not a problem. She said that she wasn't allowed to see her. Maybe she is divorced then? I hope that if she trusts me, she will tell me in her own time.

I wanted to convey to her somehow that I didn't care about her past. I wanted to comfort her. Kitty looked distraught.

It took some courage to disclose her shameful secret. I raked my brains for the right words. I'm not very good at this.

In the end I went for the first question that came to my mind. I asked about her little girl.

And when she started to talk about Sylvie, she went to pieces.

Funnily the words Kitty used for Sylvie's description strangely fitted her. Beautiful. Utterly fearless. Fierce, spiky little thing.

I just wanted to hold her in my arms. Push all those worries away. Protect her from all the ugliness of this world.

As luck would have it we were interrupted.

But she whispered that she wanted to meet me. She said that she understood if I wasn't there.

I really don't know how she feels about me. Maybe she just wants to be my friend. I don't know. I could settle for being a friend as long as she is happy. Who am I kidding? I couldn't. Do I need this pain in my life?

There is some thinking to do.

I came up with the list.

Cons:

1\. She's haughty.

2\. She's upper class spoiled totty

3\. She has a sharp tongue.

4\. She drives me mad.

5\. She might be trouble.

6\. She's secretive.

Pros:

1\. She is quietly efficient and composed, very good with patients.

2\. She is kind-hearted, full of warmth and fiercely loyal. Fragile yet strong. Courageous and unafraid. She wants to meet me despite the fact that if we're caught she would rather face the consequences and not me.

3\. She keeps calm even if the situation seems to get out of control but she can be passionate.

4\. She knows her worth and doesn't suffer fools gladly. Even the charms of Miles had not bothered her and she picked me, not him, although he is rather of her own class.

5\. She is beautiful beyond my imagination. Her gorgeous eyes and tempting lips are engraved in my heart. The image of her coming from the sea is like goddess Venus herself stepped down to earth.

6\. I love her.

**Kitty**: I was in the linen shed when Tom came in. I hadn't had time to compose myself. I was still shaky after that scare. Tom asked me if I thought he was bringing those Military Intelligence officers to me. I had to admit to him that I did. He got irritated and raised his voice telling me that I drove him mad. Tom asked me why I would think that. I had no ready answer. How could I say that I don't know if he feels the same way about me as I do about him? He had been angry with me before and really anything could have happened. Then he said that he would never hurt me in a gentle, caring voice and I instantly believed him; I knew somehow that he would never ever do anything to cause me harm. This gentleness and obvious emotions melted me completely as he has never been like that with me before.

I had decided then and there to explain to him why I could not risk being sent home. This time I wanted to do this properly. He interrupted with his 'understood' again. However I needed to make him really understand my reasons. I wanted him to see the whole picture. So I told him about Sylvie. I could see that I shocked him. His face is too honest to hide his emotions, at least from me. With almost certainty I thought that he would go at this point. I am the woman with uneasy past and many a man would run away from me as fast as they could. Yet he stayed. I half expected him to say something hurtful but he just asked 'why?' in a steady, calm voice. I wasn't ready for the whole story in detail so I just said that I made a terrible mess of things. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I didn't want to see him go.

Then suddenly he asked what Sylvie was like. It was my turn to be shocked. I looked at him and the dam holding my emotions burst. At this moment I realised that I love this brusque, reticent, very Scottish and wonderful man. I have never felt like that before. I didn't marry for love. My unfortunate romance was just an excuse to escape the unhappy and abusive marriage. Yet what I feel for Tom overcomes my whole entity. Him and Sylvie are the only people I really care in this world.

I tried to find proper words to describe Sylvie. I came up with a bizarre collection of snippets from my memory of her. She likes climbing trees, she hates wearing shoes and she wants a dragon for Christmas. At least it brought a delightful smile to his lips. His beautiful ocean blue eyes were full of kindness and care, he really listened to me. I nearly broke down when I said how beautiful Sylvie was, how utterly fearless and fierce. And then Tom made me smile; otherwise I might really go to pieces. He suggested that she takes after me. It saved me from crying. He really is wonderful, I can't find a better word for him.

I don't know what would happen if the sister didn't come into the shed. I just knew that I needed to be with him alone again. I whispered quickly to him that I wanted him to meet me in an hour in the same place as before. I also said that I would understand if he wasn't there but I assured him that I would be. I went out without waiting for his reply.

I don't know if he comes. He was gentle and magnificent there but he will have time to think things through. I don't know if I mean to him anything. I'm a bundle of nerves.

**Thomas**: I don't know where to start. I don't think I ever was that happy. I'm smiling uncontrollably. Which is unusual for me.

Miles usually notices things. This time he is silent. Strange.

I came to the woods too early. She said an hour. I was there long before that. Part of me said that she would not come. That part was almost dying with fright.

And then I saw her. Calmly walking towards me. She is always so calm. I nearly run to get here.

She smiled at me shyly when she got to me. I was almost shaking. I didn't know what to do. Should I say something? Should I wait for her to speak?

Kitty looked at me with such an intense gaze. Maybe she waited for me to say something. I don't know. I didn't know what to say anyway.

This long silence between us unnerved me even more. I had to stop this.

I kissed her. And paradise opened as she returned my kiss.

When she embraced me, she surrendered completely. Her whole body clung to mine.

I was still holding my stupid hat so I dropped it and pulled her hard into me. As if it was even possible to have her closer to me.

She moaned and my knees weakened. I kissed her deeper. And again she responded immediately.

I don't know how long this first heavenly kiss lasted. We finally had to stop for breath. But we still kept close in embrace. We both laughed in our happiness.

I don't care if she loves me or not. My feelings are enough. And it is worth the hurt if it ever comes.

I almost told her how I felt. She stopped me. She said that there will be time for us to talk properly. Just not today.

Then we kissed again. This time not so ferociously. But intensely notwithstanding.

I longed to let my hands wander. But I stopped myself. I didn't want to be too forward. I'm almost proud of my reticence.

There were several more rounds of kisses. I never felt so happy in my entire life.

But then she said that she has to go. She asked Flora [whoever Flora is] to replace her in the ward only for a minute.

I admit I was crestfallen.

But then she promised me that we could meet again tonight. If I wanted to.

As if I could say 'no'.

**Kitty**: I was almost late. Matron unexpectedly sent me to the ward. I was panicking at this point. Luckily I saw Flora going past and I begged her to replace me for a minute. I had to lie that I needed to go to the conveniences. Flora is such a cheerful person that she agreed immediately without questioning.

We are not supposed to run but I tried to slip into the woods quickly and unobserved. I think I was successful as no one had mentioned anything later. I saw him from afar. His uniform nearly hidden completely amongst all this greenery. He was nervously fidgeting again. I was just happy that he came. When I reached him, I smiled but I did not know what to do really. I suggested this meeting but I was unsure of what I should say. I was hoping that he would say something first. Tom is hardly ever lost for words. However he was silent and I tried to read his face for any signs. And this wonderful man with his usual abruptness just kissed me. I was slightly surprised but admittedly I welcomed his gesture. I felt such a bliss, I knew that whatever it is between us, it is right. I felt so safe and happy in his arms, everything fell into its place. I felt like coming home after the long and arduous journey. When we stopped for breath, Tom said that he wanted to kiss me for such a long time that he thought he would burst. We both laughed at this but I knew that what he said was also true for me. And he is such a wonderful kisser. I blush at the memory. I blame his hypnotising eyes. Tom wanted to say something but I stopped him by putting my finger onto his soft lips. I felt that the talking might just spoil the moment. All I wanted then was for him to hold me in his arms and not letting go. I could stay in this moment forever. Unfortunately I couldn't as I had to go back. I could see that he was disappointed, I suggested we meet again after the dinner. Although how I'll be able to find him there in the dark I don't know. My proposition seemed to lifted his spirits. I know that we will have to talk properly but I can't think of anything else but meeting him again. Meeting my wonderful Tom. I am so happy, so very, very happy now.

**_Kathleen, thank you for your help, sweetie._**

**_And huge thanks to all wonderful reviewers and readers._**


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